Long-Distance Relationship

I was in 2 minds to write about this for 2 reasons.

• I had moved on from this
• I was not troubled and had internal peace

But the original story (and a story it was) garnered some attention and you know how these cycles like to come back around and they need closing.

Context

Okay, so this heavily summarised history ran from May 2006 to May 2008.

Back in 2008, I started a blog.

My first ever blog or website.

My original blog was called Bald Blokes Blog and was my first venture into writing anything other than personal poetry. The website was about 30 articles and close to 80,000 words. Just me vomiting my thoughts and feelings on the keyboard about everything. The blog primarily focused on a long-distance relationship I had begun with a woman from the USA.

Long-Distance Relationship: The Courting

• I met a woman online, on a dating website called Date1 called Kelli.
• We quickly moved the conversation onto Myspace. We were also communicating via AOL instant messenger as well as email and video chats.
• When I met her, she was in the process of separating from her then-boyfriend. Webcam conversations were often interrupted with fighting followed by dropped calls.
• Kelli moved back to rural Oklahoma and eventually began dating someone else. Conversation between us became sparse, sporadic and difficult despite her telling me she liked me, and I, her
• Eventually, we made plans to meet. I would fly from the UK, and she would fly from Oklahoma. We would both meet in Chicago.
  
  The Trip
  
• I arrived and she was not there. I waited for 3 days. Nothing. The only information I had about her
  • She lived in a small town (<1000 habitants) in the middle of Oklahoma
  • She worked in a bar in a small town nearby
• I flew to Oklahoma and hired a car
• I drove across Oklahoma and after 4 hours
• I arrived and then began walking into shops and asking people if they knew her.
• I went to her last known address. The new tenants had no new address and no phone number
• I drove to the next town and asked around at the 2 bars, both of which had never heard of her.
• Eventually went to a concerted barn that served as a youth centre (that also had a bar). Luckily 2 people outside knew Kelli and they knew where she was staying.
• Went back to the first town
• Drove around a few places.

The Meeting

• Eventually, Kelli and I met. Electricity, sparks, instant attraction. Kissing, consummation, cuddles etc.
• We spent 3 days in Oklahoma (including ex-boyfriend showing up with a trunk full of guns, Kelli and him arguing on the front garden)
• Kelli and I drove across the US from Oklahoma to San Diego where we stayed for a week.
• Then we both flew to Michigan and we stayed with Kelli’s old best friend to spend 3 or 4 days.

The Ending

• I came home and we made plans to marry. She would be coming from the US to the UK.
• But 6 weeks after coming back home from my trip to see her, she moved back home to Oklahoma. I found out via a “Dear Terry” letter. This was on New Years Eve 2007.
• Over the next 5 months, I had too much long-distance and upsetting long-distance drama. Phone calls that didn’t materialise, missed meetings, conversations via a third party. But all of this was whilst she was still supposed to be coming her still to marry. I made a meeting with the church, found people to marry us, had plans for hall hire, etc. I proceeded with all of this, even though it was almost impossible to get a hold of her.
• Her maid of honour turned up at London Heathrow with her husband. Kelli never got on the plane.
• I got home and found an instant message from her. Eventually, I found out she had gone back to an old boyfriend and that she was sorry.
• I set my status on social media to single and wept. there were several angry email exchanges over the next 6 months, but I know that was the end.

when to let go of a long-distance relationship

I guess I never felt like I ever let go of the long-distance relationship. but I was not hanging onto it either. More like it simply faded with time. Perhaps I got a subconscious understanding of its deeper meaning in my life.

I mean the obvious answer would be when it was not working anymore, but I was so desparate to continue feeling the way I felt, I held on for a lot longer than I needed to.

Eventually I just moved on.

sds

7.5 Years Later: Adele And the Song Hello

In November 2015, whilst I was living in Monterrey Mexico with a Mexican family

I had my Skype account open and I got a message from an unknown account.

It was Kelli.

She had messaged me a few days before I was due to to cross to the USA for a weeks worth of shopping before heading back down into Mexico. She wanted to talk.

Whilst in the US, we had our first call. It was awkward. There was a lot fo tears on her part. She had been marrying around the guilt and weight of her actions and choices for the last 8 years. Although prior to the call, I was not angry, the call triggered a lot of dormant and unresolved feelings. Questions that were never answered, reasons with no rational.

For the most part I just listened. She told the truth. Maybe the whole truth about what had happened. Every detail. And in doing so, she revealed just how deep the lies had gone.

I could feel her struggle. The call actually ended up being a call everyday. From a minimum of 1 hour to a max of 8 hours. Everyday for 6 days.

Once all of the hurt and pain stuff has cleared, it was simply a boy and a girl, who had chemistry, just talking about shit.

And ironically, I was back in the US, just a state away from her (her in Oklahoma and me in southern Texas

This week transformed me. It allowed me to get closure. Not to shut her out, but to be at peace with my own decisions and also find peace with questions that I’d had for 8 years. It was the last part of that wound that that needed healing.

That needed to understand that my own actions had been to try and hold something together that was broken and that I simply needed to walk away.

Update:

People want to know. We still speak through social media with occasional video calls.

We’re as close as people can be, who have not seen each other in person since 2007.

She has moved on and dated other men, as I have dated other women. She is also now a parent.

But she will always have that special place in the timeline of my life.